
Mom's complaints about her sister-in-law get her daughter in trouble

My mother is so overly critical of my brother's wife that she blames my sister-in-law for my brother's “misdeeds” (not getting a better job, not taking better care of his health, etc.). Now that there are grandchildren, things have gotten even worse. My mother constantly criticizes how my sister-in-law raises children who are sweet and idolize their grandparents.
Although my mother occasionally criticizes my sister-in-law and brother, I am primarily her audience.
I have a great relationship with my sister-in-law, and when my mother goes on one of her tirades, I defend her. I tell my mother how lucky she is to have such wonderful grandchildren and point out that my brother is an adult who makes his own decisions. This just leads to an argument between my mother and me.
When I finally told my mother how much it hurt me to hear her say these things about my sister-in-law, she said that she needed to express her frustration to someone. I want to be there for my mother, but I don't like being put in that position. How do I navigate here?
From the therapist: The short answer to your question is: you can deal with this by stopping engaging in these conversations. But I imagine you already know that. What you may be less aware of is that you are not put in the position of supportive daughter, protective sister-in-law, and reluctant confidant. You've chosen to do this, and it's worth examining why you signed up for a job you don't want – and what makes it difficult to back out.
If we repeatedly find ourselves in unpleasant family patterns, it is usually because they remind us of familiar roles from our childhood. It sounds like you're struggling with enmeshment, a relationship pattern in which boundaries between family members become blurred or no longer exist.
Think of entanglement as two trees that have grown so close together that their branches are intertwined. Although this may seem like proximity, it actually prevents both trees from growing healthily. In your case, your mother's feelings and complaints are so intertwined with your own emotional life that it is difficult to distinguish where her feelings end and your feelings begin.
You mention that you want to “be there” for your mother, even if these conversations hurt you. Many adult children who have difficulty saying “no” to their parents grew up as an emotional support system for their parents or absorbed their parents' feelings, even at the expense of their own. When you told your mother how much it hurt you to vent, she responded not by acknowledging your feelings but by emphasizing that she needed to “vent her frustration.” Her answer reveals something important: she sees you as a vessel for her emotional overflow, rather than someone with legitimate feelings of her own. And yet, despite your hurt, you're still more worried about her feelings than yours.
You're wondering how to handle this situation, but I think the deeper question is: How can you begin to value your own emotional needs?
You can start by reframing what it means to make a reasonable request, which is essentially setting a boundary. A boundary is not about pushing someone away. Instead, it's about making an offer for a connection. It says, “I want to feel good around you, but when you do X, it makes me want to avoid you.” Help me get closer.”
Setting a boundary consists of three steps:
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Name the problem and the desire to get closer (which makes this possible): “Mom, I love you and want to support you, but these conversations about my sister-in-law put me in an impossible position and make me want to avoid it , to talk to you because I know this is not what we all want. I like to talk about other things together, but to keep our relationship strong, this topic needs to be off limits.”
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Set the boundary (what you will do): “If you are struggling with your decisions, I would be happy to support you in finding a therapist who can help you deal with these feelings.” But if you have these frustrations with If you bring it up with me, I’ll end the conversation and we can talk about other things another time.”
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Hold the boundary (do what you say): A boundary is not about what the other person will or won't do. A boundary is a contract with yourself. If you say you will end the conversation if your mother mentions your sister-in-law, you must honor that boundary every time. If you only end the conversation 90 percent of the time, why should the other person comply with your request when you yourself are unable to comply with that request 10 percent of the time? Complying with your request might sound like this: “Mom, I'm ending this conversation now because I'm uncomfortable talking about my sister-in-law. I love you and we’ll talk later.”
If you start to feel guilty, remember: Just because someone sends you guilt messages doesn't mean you have to accept the delivery. Remember that when you become your mother's outlet for criticism of your sister-in-law, you are part of a cycle that tests your loyalty and causes you personal distress. And remember: Being a good daughter means setting boundaries that encourage our parents to grow, rather than allowing patterns that harm our family relationships.
Do you want to ask the therapist? If you have a question, email askthetherapist@nytimes.com. By submitting a request, you agree to our terms and conditions for submitting reader requests. This column is not a substitute for professional medical advice.