Five reasons you keep getting spooky about data
If you’ve been on the receiving end of a dating partner’s attempt to ghost you, you know it feels awful. Many of us find solace in the fact that being ghosted is often a reflection of the “ghost” and not the person being ghosted.
But what if we have a history or even a pattern of ghosting? Do we contribute to the dynamic? What would that even look like?
I am not here to suggest that it is our fault that someone has disappeared leaving us struggling with rejection and the unknown. However, I’m here to point out that there are some common reasons people get ghosted and that we have the power to change them.
Why humans could be ghosts
- We come too strong. If you’ve just met someone, it might be a bit of an exaggeration to tell them you’ve been following their Instagram and love their 2017 holiday snaps. Just like throwing around baby names early in the relationship or asking her to respond to a wedding with you after a second date can turn her off.
- We reveal too quickly. Honesty is required and vulnerability is great. However, talking too quickly about family history or personal issues can cause the other person to back down. While we want a partner who will be with us through good and bad, it is unrealistic to expect that at the beginning of a relationship. The person must be open and willing to bear the weight of what we are going through; it should not be forced upon them.
- We act egocentric. I once had a friend who told me she started a drinking game. Whenever her date shared a fact about herself or answered her question without asking her anything, she took a sip of her drink. She found that most people weren’t curious about who she was. I wasn’t surprised. Although we all want to look our best and be charming on our dates, sometimes we take this task too seriously and forget to invite the other person into the conversation. It’s not an attractive property!
- We often talk about our ex. A normal part of many relationships is talking about relationship stories. There’s nothing wrong with talking about our ex. But let’s assume we bring them up a lot in conversations or explicitly compare our date to our previous partners. In this case, it could be an awkward position for our date, and it can give them the impression that we’re not over our ex yet.
- We pick the wrong people. Sometimes we choose people we know will have no future to protect us from hurt. And yet self-sabotage doesn’t make the pain of rejection any less painful. A desire to avoid attachment or to catch “serious feelings” can lead us to choose people who are rather lacking in skills to end relationships respectfully.
Keep that in mind if you’re worried about being ghosted
It takes time for people to figure out who we are and how they feel about us, and we should take the time to do the same.
Pacing yourself does not mean hiding aspects of who we are or implying that we are “too much”. This means that we must be aware and respectful of the context and be aware that others may process information differently. If you tend to crack marital jokes or say “I love you” after the first date, it may be a sign that things are moving too fast. The other person is probably not there yet.
More relationship tips for you:
It’s not as easy as you think:Reasons why you lie in your relationship
More:How soon is too soon to have sex when dating someone else?
What is “soft launch” of a relationship? And is it right for you?
Many people take seductive selfies. Are the images encouraging or distressing?
Are you looking for sex or intimacy? There is a difference.
Sara Kuburic is a therapist specializing in identity, relationships and moral trauma. Every week she shares her advice with our readers. Find her on Instagram @millennial.therapist. She can be reached at SKuburic@gannett.com.